I Saw the White Light of Death

A bright, white light some people see during near death experiences.

My mind, body and soul are tired. Living with a chronic illness, Neurosarcoidosis, forces me to think about my own mortality every day.

Will I die in my sleep? Will I feel any pain? Will I transition surrounded by loved ones?

Recently, I gained insight into those questions as I endured the most severe relapse I’ve ever experienced as a stroke survivor. I saw the White Light of Death.

On the morning of April 29th, I was fighting a familiar feeling of lethargy. A UTI had, once again, attacked my body. A simple UTI throws my body into a relapse. I wearily recognized the symptoms…fatigue, loss of appetite, taste and smell, and unexplained weight loss.

My mother, who is my Caregiver, checked on me at 3 am. I felt disoriented as I tried to assure her that I was fine. Or so I thought.

Although I have a queen sized bed, for some reason, I sleep on the very edge. I turned the tv off and drifted off to sleep. Approximately one hour later, I felt my right leg slipping off the bed. I braced myself for the fall.

I felt a pull in my chest as I slid onto the floor. Anxiety set in upon realizing that my phone was on the bed. Calling my mother was not an option. I repositioned my legs to try to get up and slid back onto the floor. I began to hyperventilate. Time after time, I fell face-first into the carpet as I attempted to get up.

Finally, I gave up, grateful that my late grandmother’s electric blanket covered me as I lay on the floor. The shrill of the phone startled me as the shadows from the sunlight danced across the wall. I struggled to get up as my face once again met the carpet.

I heard my sister’s voice as my mother answered her phone on speaker.

“Mom, have you heard Monika moving around? I called her, but she didn’t pick up.” 

My sister and I had a daily routine. Everyday, she calls me on her lunch break and I always answer. This time, I didn’t.

My mother’s voice became louder as she approached my room. I heard the fear in her voice.

“She fell again. She’s on the floor.” 

My sister pressed her. “Can she get up? How long has she been down there?” 

I managed to speak with my face pressed against the floor.

“No, Poopie. Don’t leave work. I’m okay.” I never heard her response as I drifted off to sleep.

I heard my sister ‘s voice before I saw her.

“Can you hear me?”

I offered a faint response. “Yes.” 

She began to massage my scalp as I closed my eyes.

“No, no, no…I need you to stay awake.” 

My eyes began to flutter rapidly.

“What are you thinking about?” Her voice was soothing.

“I’m trying…to figure out…what’s happening.”

A peacefulness came over me when I heard my brother-in-law's voice. He had picked me up off the floor many times.

“Do you want me to pick her up?” Her fingers caressed my hair.

“No, something’s wrong. I don’t want to hurt her.”

I listened as my sister dialed 911. Her words were muddled as I drifted in and out of sleep. I struggled to speak, but I needed her to know I could hear her as she spoke with the 911 operator.

“Is she breathing?” 

My sister’s voice was calm. “Yes, but it's very shallow.”

“Is she conscious?”

“She’s going in and out.” In my mind, I was shouting…I can hear you, Poopie! I can hear you!” 

The 911 operator's voice was just as calm.

“Try to keep her awake. Help is on the way.” 

I fought to speak as my sister questioned me. “What’s your address?”

I answered slowly.

“What year is it?”

“2025”

“Who is the president?”

My sister chuckled when I responded, “asshole!”

“She’s still with us.”

I vaguely remember a flurry of activity once the EMTs arrived. I winced upon being hoisted up under my arms and placed in a seated position on my bed.

As long as I live, I will never forget the symbolism of what happened next. I slumped over and fell forward. I gasped when a strong hand pushed me back up. 

Suddenly, everything faded to black and white and finally to grey. I don’t know if my eyes were open but at that moment, I saw the most beautiful white light I had ever seen. It was brilliant! I wanted to run towards the light. I levitated in a state of serenity before kneeling.

Here I am Father God. I’m ready.

I regained consciousness in the ambulance long enough to alert the EMT that I was a hard blood draw. I requested he start the IV in my hand before losing consciousness.

Sometime later, I opened my eyes to find my sister sitting in a chair in the corner of the room. My voice was a whisper.

“Where’s mommy?” 

She looked relieved as she leaned in. “They wouldn’t let anyone in the room while they were working on you.” 

My eyebrows furrowed. “Working on me? What do you mean?” 

She took a deep breath. “The doctor said you’re very sick. Your organs are failing and the only reason you’re alive is because of the epinephrine IV.” 

My eyes welled with tears as I turned toward the nurse. “I felt like I was dying.” 

She gently nodded her head. “You were. Your blood pressure plummeted to 60. That’s about ten points before your body goes into shock and severe hypotension sets in. Your organs began to shut down.” 

She turned to check my vitals. I looked at my sister and thought about how her composure and decision making had saved my life for the second time within three years. How could I ever repay her? 

She must have read my mind because she leaned in and whispered. “You really showed your ass this time!” 

We burst into laughter so loud that the nurse asked, “what’s so funny?” 

I looked at my sister. “Tell her! Tell her what you said and not the clean version.”

The nurse laughed at my sister’s antics.

“Yeah, Ms. Pickett. All you had to do was tell us if you needed this much attention.”

To be continued.